To You and to Myself, I apologize for my absence…., I was taking an unexpected period of time to reflect. I have missed writing as it is my comfort, my Solace . Writing has opened my heart and soul, letting in the truest of feelings and then rereading the words, has given me answers to the questions, that I hadn’t known existed. These answers are not always what I expect, but they are truly what I need to hear. I have found that we should not always count on others to bring us clarity, but that we possess everything we need to see the truth and to live a happy life.
Lately, life has been full of positive energy and a sense of peace in moving forward. My concentration has been in nurturing my heart and keeping an open mind to being more receptive of change, whether it be initiated by me or someone else. People that know me personally, know that I am in a constant environment of change. It seems to be a personal trait of mine, or at least I feel it is. Sometimes when I see myself struggling with change, I feel that perhaps I have lost myself or that maybe for a brief period, I am lost. This is a perfect time for reflection and I know when this happens this is the best opportunity to leave myself open to change. The path we take on an everyday basis may not serve us indefinitely, sometimes we need to shift our direction, leading us to unknown grounds. It is okay to not…. know everything, because if we did, what would we have to learn and what would possibility…… look like? Think of a child refusing to try a new food………content in eating the same thing, all the time…….how will they ever know that broccoli actually taste good and if you add cheese to it, maybe even a bit more delicious.
Fear is one of the biggest things keeping us from embracing and enjoying change. Fear for many, is used as a creative excuse, on how to not embrace a new concept,….. like change. Once fear is taken out of the equation, I find myself eagerly opening up my mind to….. and ….being accepting of, the possibilities in change. Pushing ourselves past fear is not so easy, but in doing so, worth all the freedom and energy you gain.
Like so many things we are told, the phrases: “The journey begins at home” and “Home is where the heart is.”, are great examples, in that when we seek clarity the key to the answers, indeed, begin at home. Not everyone has a home, or so they think. My thought is that everyone does have a home, some have many. But for now we will use the word HOME, as a KEY. For every person and story, there is a beginning and an end. When searching for yourself,……. because sometimes we get lost in this big world,……. the clues are gathered by starting at the beginning and working your way to the present. Be careful though, don’t get stuck in the past, you are just revisiting in search of your answers, your clarity. Important questions to ask yourself are ; Where was it that you felt most at home? How did it make you feel and what did home look like? There lies the Key, in what your perception of home really is. This is where we find out who we are, not by what our family wanted us to be, but by how we felt and what we felt we wanted our life to be like. To be realistic you may say, how does a child know what they want? It is not so much that a child knows what they want, but they, in their innocence, lack of maturity and conditioning from the world, know what makes them feel good, what makes them feel like smiling, dancing, hugging and loving unconditionally. As a child you have the freedom to dream and carry on in a way that suits you. An innocent view on life before,……. the chaos of life takes over. Hold that thought for a few minutes, maybe stop reading for a couple of minutes. Bring yourself back to that time and envision what made you happy. Was it the aroma of something being baked in the oven? Was it the smell of raindrops falling on the pavement on a hot summers day? Perhaps it was the way you felt when you received a new pair of shoes or jeans for school, or even the feeling you got from being permitted to choose something just for you? The hug of a grandmother, the smile of approval from an adult or a friend, the touch of a hand wrapped around yours, all of this has something to do with finding your way home, to where the heart is and where you……began.
Good intentions and positive direction, something we all possess, has been the source of energy that has led me to find a more permanent and fitting place to call home. A place offering, not just a place to land, but quite possibility affording me a lifestyle…. void of unnecessary stress and financial obligation. I set out on this particular journey to find a home that offers less in some ways, and more, in other ways. My husband and I have been struggling with so many aspects in our relationship, making us, at times, both unhappy and unsettled. If we were to find a reason for all this, there is simply no way we could place the blame on just one thing. However, we knew for sure that we do love each other and that we do share so many memories,….. have like ways of thinking,…..and that we do work well together. There is still so much positive in our relationship, but sometimes it is necessary to take the time to excavate and uncover the good, separate it from all the chaos of life and its emotional drama. In a nutshell, we recently had endured a few emotionally challenging years, loved ones inflicted with horrible diseases, loved ones dying, jobs changing, hours being reduced, setting goals for the better and having them bring out the worst, all of this creating uncertainty and negative emotion, making it hard to breath and worst of all, hard to keep an open heart and soul. And so began the next phase of our journey, to find home.
Speaking from the emotionally drained and exhausted self, I made a decision to go it alone, in hopes of finding myself and the joy and laughter, I had so desperately missed. I didn’t really want to give up on a relationship of 30 years with my spouse. My thought though, was that being in a relationship meant, that I had to figure things out for….. the two of us. While I pride myself on helping others, I have learned that pride is not always a good thing, and sometimes others do not wish to be helped. Oh……. what a lesson that was to learn, but graciously I did and during this unsettling time, I chose to help myself first. I have also learned that you can’t feed anyone else if your cup is empty or otherwise said, you can’t give what you don’t have. My focus at that time had to be on healing myself first and initially that involved finding the place I call home.
It is ironic sometimes, when something shows up before it’s time… and then reappears when it is necessary, or at the perfect moment. While on my journey and search for peace love and joy, I happened upon a home nestled in a quiet community, an almost hidden treasure, in South Kingstown, Rhode Island. If you didn’t know the place existed, you would probably never know how to find it. I had heard of it before, but shied away because it was a community exclusive to people 55 years and older. I must have inadvertently stored it in the back of mind, as I had marveled at how peaceful it looked. It is located a short walk to a local pond. On the shore of the pond itself, sits a bench overlooking the water. I am excited to sit on that bench…just sit and let the calm and beauty take over my senses. Perhaps meditate for a bit, something else I truly enjoy doing. No need for a power boat but a strong desire for a small row-boat, or even better perhaps a pedal boat to help me venture around that pond. I felt a strong urge to have a peak at any of the property available for sale, and after viewing a couple decided to bring my husband by to see them as well. Certainly the homes were nice, the grounds were meticulous and it offered a more peaceful and less expensive way to live. We were looking for peace, we were looking for freedom of financial struggles, and we both agreed this home could offer just that.
Crazy as it seems life has turned a complete 360 over the last three years. Starting this journey, with good intentions, we sold our home in Bradford, preparing to purchase and move into the home of a relative, whom we wished to help care for and spend time with. Our motive was to help that person live in their home for as long as possible and at the same time be around family. Long story short, and for reasons beyond our control, this did not work out.
Our relationship had taken a huge hit, one storm of emotional waves after another. What started out as being a gesture of love, was misinterpreted and met with skepticism. Too many people and situations became crammed into one good gesture. Finally we were told that our idea, though sounding great in the beginning, was no longer wanted. There is far more to this story but rehashing it will not help, but only hinder in going forward. No Good Deed goes unpunished, I now see the truth in that. However, I also believe that you really will never know if something will work,…….. if you don’t try. We suffered at the hands of family, at least that is what I thought, but over the past two years I finally realize, that the suffering came from my own heart. I was wrong, blinded by self-pity, and the all mighty ego. So my ego and feelings were crushed momentarily, so it became time to let that go and start living my life. Opening-up my life to change, and accepting that each part of the journey may not go as planned, but in the end will be worth the challenge.
We then purchased a home overlooking a canal, leading to the ocean. For two years we worked on bringing that home and our injured relationship, back to life. We increased the living space creating more room for entertaining family and friends, we added windows to enhance the beautiful views, and of course in the interim, increased the value of this home considerably. During this time our relationship took on some brutal hits and our emotions took on some heavy burdens. The visitors didn’t come, and with our work schedules and financial responsibilities, we were not able to truly enjoy all that the property had to offer. The intention of our move was to heal and get past the disappointment of our good intentions, being judged, our motives misconstrued and questioned. With what we thought we were doing was the right and loving thing to do, our good gesture, instead was rewarded by turmoil and uncertainty, producing a huge emotional wound, that was constantly being reopened. The purpose to buying this home was to move forward and enjoy our life together, but, sadly enough, I found it more difficult to let go of the past and allow the happiness in. It wasn’t all negative of course, there were some pretty awesome times, meeting new people, enjoying walks on the beach etc., however the cloud over my head seemed to overshadow the good. My heart was injured, which left me partially blind to the good things around me. I realized that this move to the house by the water, would not be the solution to our problems.
I made a decision, based on the hardships that our relationship had endured, to go it alone. I thought that we needed time to find ourselves and leave the past behind. A tentative decision but open-ended, leaving room for reconciliation. After all, neither one of us really wanted to throw away 28 years in which we overcame obstacles, far more challenging. It seemed only fair to give it one more try. And so, we put the house up for sale and endured the craziness of real estate calamities. The first sale fell through after an unintentional detail of sizable proportion was made. I will not place blame here, just the facts. So we went forward, doing our best to stay positive, encouraging each other to stay focused and know that there are better things in store for us. We soon found a more suitable owner for the property, which in turn gave us time to find suitable housing and brought us closer together. All of this re-instilling my belief that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a reason for everything.
It is now November 26th and we are about to close on the purchase of our home, in the community on the pond. This Friday, which will conclude our 4th time moving in two and a half years. I am grateful for so many small details leading to this juncture. I appreciate that I could revisit the past and make some positive sense out of each situation, as hard as it was, I feel so much better because of it. Writing it down, reading it, editing it, injecting this story with the more positive aspects has been my way of healing. Sharing my story, my thoughts good and bad, I hope will help others who might have the need to step-back, go back, and find yourself. I am very excited for this coming Friday and happy to say that during all this I have developed a little more in the line of patience and understanding. This whole situation proves that you just may not be able to predict what life has in store for you, but truly need to make sure that you are living your life in truth and clarity.
This is my short version of the past few years, as with all journeys there is so much more than just this. But this my friends, I feel is enough to help us all to take notice in that we may not be living in this moment. If all you see are clouds then you need to revisit the place you call home. It is important to not live in the past, not dwell on the misfortune but to accept life’s challenges with optimism and wonder. Be courageous and open to change, and know this, “everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything” the, hic-ups along the way are to build character and to strengthen our beliefs and integrity. We are never alone, but sometimes allowed to be in quiet contemplation in order to find a positive solution to every negative situation. Share if you can your worries or fears, with people you trust, to assist you but to not judge you.
Refrain from judgment, of yourself and others, as it is not for us to judge, but to forgive unintentional indiscretions. Judgement is for the truly perfect, and I don’t know one perfect person. I have judged people in the past, I have placed blame and in doing so, have created great lines of separation from the people I love. Let me assure you, I have never done this intentionally but have been misguided by my own ego and the ego of others. These past few years have been enlightening for sure and I have truly benefited by both positive and negative situations. I will tell you this, you must always try to find the positive to all situations, always……no matter how difficult it may seem. If you stay in a negative mindset it will eat you alive, it will change how you perceive even the best of things. There will always be negative forces out that trying to steal the light from our lives, but…..it can only happen if you let it.
To live life…… is to be in constant motion, in one way or another, physically or mentally. Change is a constant, but here’s the thing…..you can’t control change…. but you can choose the way in which you respond to it. I call this life, my journey for a reason. My journey is ever-changing, sometimes I slip backwards, but with the help of faith, gratitude and positive thinking, I re-enter the path going forward. We grow, we stumble, we choose to accept change and this acceptance is like oxygen giving us energy to move forward.
Today and every day, I wish you the ability to see that there is always more in going forward and in accepting change. I wish you love, happiness and a beautiful spirit. Namaste, Beth